Eternally Grateful

I really have been wanting to blog lately but I have no idea what  to blog about. I wanted something awe-inspiring for my one year mark of being home but I couldn't think of anything that could possibly inspire you or say anything that you haven't heard before. However, I had to post something.

Before I left on my mission I was absolutely terrified to leave my comfort zone of Cedar City, to leave those I love behind... you know the usual anticipated missionary fears. I remember having a thought that brought comfort; no matter what I was going to go through or no matter where I was going to be, at least I had someone by my side at all times. Now that I am home I reflect back on those people who were by my side at all times; my best friends, my other halves, my sisters, my companions. I have so many things to say about them but to sum things up let's just say that I am eternally grateful for what they taught me and for their examples of women I hope to surround myself around for the rest of my life. They emulate the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I sometimes wonder what I did in the pre-earth life to be given the privilege to serve with these amazing women. 

Anyway, so what I want to do is share what I love about them most. I will go from first to last companion. Ready, go. 

Sister Nielson: We were companions in the MTC (Missionary Training Center). If you have ever experienced the MTC you know the emotional toll it takes on you, however, you see the progress you make for the little time you are there. I doubted so much on my ability to teach the Gospel. I doubted whether or not I should even be in the mission field. I was difficult to work with. To this day I am grateful for Sister Nielson's patience. Not only with me but with herself. By her example of patience, she taught me to never give up and to never doubt my ability. 

Sister Lovato: Oh, Sister. This is my trainer! My Oregon Mama. Getting out into the mission field is something I never imagined. I was tired. I was sick. I was homesick. Again, I was tired. Sister Lovato taught me to have fun while doing missionary work. "Oh.. uh.. hi, is there a house up there?" *inside joke* On the other hand, she taught me by being exactly obedient will bring forth miracles. She would have me get out of the car and back her up if it was only a foot. I'm glad I learned obedience from day one. 

 

Sister Singer: When I think of charity I think of Sister Singer. My follow-up trainer. We were definitely companions to cross paths in this life. I have learned so many things from her that it would take pages to fill. I have never seen someone accept another as she has. She taught with love. She served with love. She is the prime example of Charity and love and I'm grateful I was able to learn what true charity was by being her companion and working next to her. I wish to emulate a fraction of what she is one day. 

Sister McDonald: Working in a YSA ward during the Holiday's is a tough task. We tracted more in that transfer than I did my entire mission. However, Sister McDonald was always hopeful in finding new people to teach and without a doubt we always had at least one amazing lesson a week. She taught me how to be hopeful in all things and not just mission work. My grandfather passed away the day we were put as a companionship and she reminded me of the Plan of Salvation and how it brought hope. 

Sister Hollingshead: Oh my sweet Sister Hollingshead. I knew about her before I was even her companion because her Aunt is in my home ward. I was so excited to finally meet her and yet alone be her companion. We opened Eola Hills together therefore we met a lot of new people that we were teaching. I have never seen someone have such compassion for someone so quickly than Sister Hollingshead. She accepted people for their trials, addictions, and struggles and loved them in an instant. 

 

Sister Clove: Before Sister Clove I was the junior companion. Asking for tips, learning the ropes, learning their teaching skills is what I did as a junior companion. I was blessed to be Sister Cloves trainer. I remember driving home from the New Missionary Meeting and I was so afraid to be her trainer, I was now the one she had to rely on for tips, learning the ropes, the missionary lingo. After my first companionship study with Sister Clove I was floored with her knowledge of the scriptures. I was so excited to learn from her and boy did I. I have multiple notes scratched into the margin of my scriptures because of her. After that day I wasn't afraid anymore to be her trainer. I will be grateful for the experiences I had with working besides her.

Sister West: When President Young paired us up he said that there was no doubt in his mind that we were meant to be companions. This was my second trainee! Sister West had one heck of an upraising and let's say she came out one heck of a woman because of it. Whenever something wasn't going as planned Sister West never hesitated to ask Heavenly Father for help. She knew that if this was Heavenly Father's work then He would help us know what to do. She is one of the most humble people I will ever know and I'm grateful for her example of humility. 

Sister Hadfield: Sister Hadfield was my international trainee! AKA she was waiting for her visa to Australia and was reassigned to the Oregon Eugene Mission. I was happy she didn't get that visa when it was supposed to get here. She taught me heaps (see what I did there?) about confidence. As she proclaimed the Gospel, you could tell that she walked with confidence knowing she is a daughter of God. When she taught, she taught with confidence because she knew that what she was teaching was nothing but true. We had a short 6 weeks together but I will cherish those 6 weeks for the rest of my life. 

  

Sister Savage: Sweet Sister Savage. She had some trials that she had to overcome but each day, she got out of bed, got on her knees and prayed to Heavenly Father. She would get out and talk to people about the Gospel. She would testify. She would forget herself and get to work. When I think of Sister Savage, I think of endurance. She had her own things to worry about but there were days where she would sacrifice her own trials so she could help others come closer to Christ.

Sister Prologo: The transfer we were together was one of the shortest because the mission split. However, one thing that I noticed was how often she prayed. That is one thing I know Heavenly Father wants for his missionaries to do. Missionary work is nearly impossible without prayer. She was more sensitive to the Spirit because how often she prayed. Let me tell you how grateful I am for that. We had an interesting area that had a lot of run down parts that were pretty scary, therefore, there were times where I thought it was safe to go in but she didn't. I trusted her and it was always best. 

Sister Francom: Sister Francom and I were the two Sister Trainer Leaders to go from the Eugene Mission over to the Salem Misson. I would say that my time with her was the time I grew the most on my mission when it comes to diligence. I was also the most tired with her. I was so grateful for her hard work as a missionary. We had so much success and I know it's because we were diligent and obedient. Let me add that I laughed with her all the time. Remember Robyn? 

Sister Palmer: She was my last companion of my mission and I was ready to learn from her. My time with Sister Palmer was too short. We only spent three weeks together because my mother passed away and I came home. Sister Palmer was called to be a Sister Trainer Leader with me and I was excited to see how she would contribute. Each week would we get on our knees and pray about which sisters we needed to go on exchanges with and she would always ask Heavenly Father what they needed help with. Each time we would go on exchanges, it is exactly what the Spirit whispered to her. She genuinely cared for those sisters and prayerfully asked Heavenly Father what she could do for them.  

Now that they are all home, I hope they read this and know how much I love them and how incredibly grateful I am to have been able to work with them and learn from their example.

*super long post but if you are wondering what missionaries do, click here* 

Mothers Day Post

I have been working on a blog post for a couple of days but realized I want to blog about something different. Today is a bittersweet day for me. It's my first Mothers Day without a mom here in this mortal life. I know my mom is here with me and she is my biggest fan cheering me on from the other side of the veil. It's simply just not the same though.

My mother and I never had the strongest mother-daughter bond that I have been seeing others have all over Facebook and Instagram. Trust me, I envy those relationships they have with their mothers. Today in Church we were asked to ponder on the example of our mother. Quite honestly, my mother made terrible choices in her life. She let the worldly attractions of all sorts get the best of her. As a daughter you long for that ideal relationship and would do anything for it. One thing I have become aware of is that famous quote we hear, "you never realize what you have until it's gone." My mom tried. She tried being there for me at any time of need. She tried making good choices. She tried supporting her family with what little she had. Satan had a grasp on my mom that was hard for her to break from. Many people in her life could see that and would agree. My mom showed me to try no matter what. To reach those dreams I dreamed of since I was young.

I have wonderful mother figures in my life and know that I can look up to those examples and live by those. However, there is a part of my heart that will never be filled. In the last six months I have had many times I wanted to call her. I have found that when I am sick I just want to hear her voice. When I am stressed I just want to hear her tell me that all will be well. When I am heartbroken and feel used I want to call someone who will just listen and not tell me what a fool I am for what happened. When I get a 3.7 I want to call her and make her proud. There are those things only a mother can help with.

How grateful I am that this separation is only temporary and that I will see her again. The loss of my mother has solidified my testimony of the Plan of Salvation and I know without a doubt that it is real. Even though I never spoke highly of her and never had that relationship each daughter and mother should have, I still love her. I can't wait to see her again and hear all about what she knows.

Now a shout out to those who have been mother figures in my life. You know who you are. Thank you for your examples of love and kindness. I wouldn't be the woman I am today without your examples. One day I will have my own family and will take things that I have learned from each of you and apply them in rearing my children and show them that unconditional love that I want to give to my future family. So, thank you. Seriously for everything you have done for me.

His Plan

I had the opportunity to share my conversion story tonight. I secretly wish it would happen more. Each time I share it I realize the love my Heavenly Father has for me. What I realized tonight was how aware He was of me. The Gospel is what I needed at that exact moment. Not six months before or two weeks later. It was no happenstance, coincidence, or luck. It was all part of His plan. Besides the unfortunate set of circumstances I was in, Heavenly Father knew what I needed in that time and blessed me with this wonderful Gospel. A couple years ago I took the opportunity to share my conversion on my blog as well. I broke it up into the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ; faith, repentance, baptism, receiving the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end. It was a fun way to share my story. Go check it out if you want to.

I was going to blog yesterday but I was still brainstorming. I guess I needed to add that tidbit along with what I learned in Church. Without question, I know that we receive revelation for ourselves as we attend our meetings each Sunday. Sacrament meeting was accompanied by two Elders from the area who rekindled the most joyous times on my mission. It caused me to reflect on the many relationships I have made by serving a mission. From as short as 12 days to 18 months; making friendships with ward members, fellow missionaries and the great people of Oregon. I am grateful for those eternal friendships. Some stronger than others (I wish some of them were finer) but nonetheless, friendships that I will always be grateful for. We stood and sang Called To Serve and it felt like I was right back in Zone Conference. Which evidently made me happy.

On a completely different subject now but one I take to heart. One funny thing about Provo is that your family, superiors, and peers expect you to be dating someone. Which honestly slightly annoys me. My ward offers a dating class. Yes, you can laugh. I did when I heard that this was an actual thing. Did I attend yesterday? I did. Yes, I give you permission to laugh again. Let's first discuss that I was terrified to go in there. I wasn't going in there to snatch up a date or to figure out what I was doing wrong but rather, I went in there to see what the Spirit had to say about "dating." I'm happy I chose to go. The pressure that creates the image that we need to be married and have three kids by the age of 25 is not for all people and quite frankly starts at a young age. Praise to those who were and are given that opportunity. Again, Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us. I have encountered so many young women in my life that think something is wrong with them, or that they aren't attractive enough, or simply not good enough. I would like to say that that those reasons are completely unrelated to why you haven't been given the "chance." What I learned from the spirit in this class is of course everyone wants to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. When you don't experience such things you feel the complete opposite and you get discouraged. Both are completely logical. One thing I have learned is that we are among the noble and great. We deserve only the best. Heavenly Father is only going to give us the best. No less than. We shouldn't be looking for the worlds approval. Heavenly Father has set an expectation for each one of us. He sends us down wrong roads so we have confidence in the right ones. Sometimes we are tempted with the idea to think the wrong road was the right road. Sometimes we are tempted with the idea that it wasn't the wrong road. Send those temptations back to where they came from. Heavenly Father knows best. Like I said, this image is being created at a very young age. Girls think that they need to have the best of the best. Since they don't look like the popular pretty girls, they aren't worth it. That if they haven't been asked on a date they will never get married. Sometimes they are given a taste of what others are experiencing but unfortunately it doesn't last. Don't think you have to explain yourself. You learned, now move on. Now, will I go back to this so called dating class? Probably not. I think I'll stick to Gospel Doctrine. However, the Spirit whispered things to me that I needed to hear. I'm not the dating expert but I know the reasons for everything that I had to experience and it's okay that way. I know that we are all worth it and to trust in Heavenly Father and be content with the love He has given us. His love is perfect and will never fail us.

I hope that this all makes sense. What this blog goes into are two things I am very passionate about. The relationships I have made on my mission are some of the most important friendships to me. The self-worth of a women is a delicate thing to tamper with (especially in this corrupt world) and I believe women have a powerful role in the world and when that self-worth is messed with it's shattering. So if I could sum this up and give young women one piece of advice it would be to not seek for the worlds expectation, but for the Lord's. I could go for days on this topic but for your sake, I will end here.

A Few Thoughts

After seeking suggestions of what book I could read that was spiritual, I have laid my hands on a good one. My mission presidents wife from the Oregon Eugene Mission called me and told me to get Women and the Priesthood. I'm glad she suggested this one because it has taught me a lot about who I am and my divine errand. As I read this book I don't feel like the heart of the message is only aimed towards women. I think men could also learn  and benefit from this book. Check it out.

I was particularly drawn toward two things as I was reading yesterday that I thought I would share.

• In Sheri Dew's book there's a section that discusses  the impact of our premortal life. She explains that we can't remember what we had promised, how our Heavenly home was before we came to this mortal life, or where we were at regarding our spiritual maturity. However, there are things we do know. I love that saying that what we do know, outweighs what we don't know. We know that we were there. We know that we were there when Heavenly Father presented to us His son, our Redeemer. In the pre-earth life, we were given agency (right to choose good or evil), just like we are given agency now. One thing we chose in our premortal lives is when we chose to fight for truth. "We stood loyally by God and by Jesus, and did not flinch." We did not flinch. Just picture that would you? Standing side by side with our Father in Heaven and by our Savior, Jesus Christ, fighting for what we know to be true. We knew without a doubt in our minds, we were grounded to what was true, we were built upon a firm foundation. We had such a strong conviction that we did not flinch. 

• I love our prophet and apostles and the council they give us. From the day I first watched conference, I was gravitated towards Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. His boldness floored me and still does today. His love behind each message is inspiring. I believe the reason he is so bold is because he knows our potential and wants us to understand that potential without sugar coating. I can't say it better than him so I'll just quote directly what he has said in this book: "If you lack confidence... or feel you have inferiority complex, get over it. We all start humbly.... we all think the fellow seated on our right and the woman seated on our left are more talented, are more gifted,... and are going to do better in life than we ever will. Well, they aren't, and they don't, and they won't! They are just like you. We all have our fears and insecurities." Bold but loving. 

What I learned from both of these statements is that this life isn't just for us. It's not only about us. It's about who we are, what we know, and what we're striving to do each day to become more like our Heavenly Father and Savior. The second one struck a cord for me. If you truly know me, I'm not the one to put up a fight. I'm not the one to compete with someone. I always, like Elder Holland has pointed out, compare myself with people in my life-- especially people I look up to. Why? I'm not sure. I'm working on it though. I tend to let people treat me in ways that I shouldn't be treated. I don't put up the fight and I back down. It happens a lot more than I even expect. I have learned a very important thing though that has helped me discern why things happened the way they do. I know I have a divine errand and purpose in this life. There has to be opposition in all things but we need to "get over it" and continue doing what we know we need to do. 

Understanding

I have some explaining to do. Maybe it's a vent. Eh, just stick with me. This might not make sense but let's take a shot at it. I have missed my mom in so many ways in the last few days that I'm not even sure what has happened in my life to have this happen. I know I recently posted a blog about the strength and power that we are given as children of God but boy is it hard to access that strength and power sometimes. 

Let's start by saying what wonderful women I have in my life. I have countless of mother figures who I'm so grateful for and I have many friends who stand by me and tell me what I need to hear. I have beautiful sisters who have encouraged me to do better in life and have protected me. Tonight I was able to talk to a few close friends and they gave me advice that I've been needing to hear longer than I thought. Sometimes you feel like climbing into that hole and crying but it's so much better when you have someone in there with you. 

This last week has been interesting to say the least. I have felt many emotions that I haven't had to deal with for the last couple years. Okay that's exaggerating. Maybe feeling them all at once is what I'm not used to. There were moments when I felt like something great was going to happen, I felt that one of my desires of heart was going to come true, but then it just walked away and opportunities faded. There were moments where I was proud of myself. Moments where I couldn't stop laughing. Times where all I wanted was to call my mom and have her tell me, "Baby, everything's going to be okay." My mom understood heartache the most. I know how terrible that sounds but it's true. I have come to learn more about my mom and I'm so grateful for that. She would always tell me to not settle for anything less than what I deserve. After serving a mission, truly finding my identity, knowing who I am, I now know what I deserve. I know that I have to work for what I deserve. There's a difference between knowing and believing though. And I need to believe it. 

I don't want pity by any means but I can say that at points in my life, I am tempted to ask why me? I have been given a fair share of trials. Each time I'm thrown another one the response I hear is how strong I am. Each time I hear that it makes me feel weak. I sometimes wonder what Heavenly Father is doing when I'm crying over missing my mom or when I'm frustrated with someone for putting me through something or even as simple as academic frustrations. Oh get over it. You signed up for this. Or, Eh, everything's going to be fine. Just get up and dust yourself off. What? Of course He isn't doing that. Like I mentioned last time, He had to hide Himself in some part of His universe so He didn't have to watch the dying struggles of His Son. I am a child of God. He doesn't want to watch me go through any of this. However, He knows that what I'm going through is going to make me such a better person. A friend I met this semester who I have come to love dearly reminded me of His way and His timetable. We see timing differently than He does; we see timing in a linear perspective as Heavenly Father sees it as a panorama perspective. What we see (or what we don't see) is daunting. What He sees is inspiriting. I can't look back. In every aspect I have to learn from stupid mistakes that I unfortunately make (even when I do feel like a fool). Then when I have the chance to have the panorama perspective, I will see that it all had to to happen. Someone had to take this spot. Whether I "signed" up for it or not, I'm grateful for what I learn in each trial. And ultimately, I do access that strength and gain experience. Which is all this life is about after all.

My heart has ached over many things this week which I choose not to go into detail about. What I have come to find out though, is that my Father in Heaven's heart is aching with mine. He rejoices when I'm happy. How many times have I taught that in Oregon and it's now just really making sense to me? I not only have to have faith in Heavenly Father and that timetable of His but I have to have faith in what He has promised me. 

Be obedient. Be prayerful. Be constant.

Lately I have been thinking what I can blog about. I don't want to blog about random things that are happening in my life (what I did over the weekend, what happened at the stop light today, etc). I want to blog about things that I'm passionate about. Things that have changed me for the better. I want my blog to encourage others.

That being said, I'm very passionate about the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Obviously. Today I was able to attend a farewell of Tamsyn who will be serving in the Indiana Indianapolis Mission. Let's start of by saying what a beautiful job she did. That testimony of hers is going to take her far. Tamsyn is part of the family that introduced me to the Gospel. The Lowe Family (not just Ron's family-- the entire family) is an amazing family who has set the example of  what a righteous family should be. People who keep their covenants (promises) and strive each day to become a better person than they were yesterday. I could go for days about what this family has done for me.

Today in sacrament meeting, I knew it was going to be an emotional day when the opening hymn was "called to serve." Of course it was going to be about missionary work but I thought I could keep it together. Wrong.  I am well pleased at where Heavenly Father has taken me since I've been home. I know Provo is where I need to be. There are people who need me here and I know there are people here that I need. However, there are days when I miss being a missionary. To put that badge on and go and share the Restored gospel. I'm so jealous that Tamsyn has 18 months ahead of her to go and do exactly that. Again, her sweet testimony is going to get her into doors that no one has ever been able to get into.

I think what stood out the most today was the love my Heavenly Father has for me and for all His children. I mean, everything depicts that love. I really like what Tamsyn said today in her talk; "Heavenly Father has sent us His perfect son." It made me think about how hard it must have been for our Father in Heaven to watch the dying struggles of His son. What a selfless act of love. In the sacrament hymn "Reverently and Meekly Now" verse four stood out to me.

"At the throne I intercede;

For thee ever do I plead.

I have loved thee as they friend,

With a love that cannot end.

Be obedient, I implore, 

Prayerful, watchful evermore, 

And be constant unto me, 

That thy Savior I may be."

My advice to Tamsyn would be just that. Be obedient. Be prayerful. Be constant. I love that. We can't just choose what we want to do and when we want to. It's not our timetable. It's His. Or in this aspect; it's His work. He knows my needs (and trust me, I have a lot of them). I have been promised that if I do what He wants me to do-- not what the world wants me to do-- I will be given those things.

3 Nephi 13:32-34 "For Heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of these things... But seek ye first the kingdom of God... Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself..." 

Power and Strength

I got the best compliment today. It made my entire day. I'm still flattered and that was nine hours ago. I got into my math class a little early and sat down. Minding my own business, looking over some math problems before class started and I heard, "are you a returned missionary?" I replied, "Umm.. yes?" Then a guy piped in and says, "Oh! It's a compliment. You radiate that light." Now you see how that was the best compliment? After math I met up with some mission friends and we went to the Temple to do a session. It was just what I needed. I love how much I learn each time. Then it all got me thinking. Dang, I have so many weaknesses. I constantly bother Heavenly Father with them-- as everyone does. Yet, He listens. What a beautiful concept. Prayer is real. Prayer is powerful. We are powerful.

One of my favorite responses to Satan is when Moses is being tempted by him. Moses asks Satan, "Who are you? I am a Son of God." As children of Heavenly Father, we have power! When we continue to put the armor of God on we don't have to be bothered by the dark of the world. We receive not only power, but strength to push temptation, sin, darkness, out of our lives. Temptation of fear.One gem I learned on the mission from President Samuelian is Christ simply can't help us when we are afraid. It's not that he doesn't want to help us. He just can't. When we have fear, we are lacking faith. Faith and fear are never near.

We are all faced with that temptation, sin, and darkness in our lives. That's part of this mortal progression after all. In the Oregon Salem Mission, we were given the opportunity to take a strengths assessment. Result of this assessment, you are given your top five strengths. One morning I was studying the story of David and Goliath. In essence, Heavenly Father provided David five stones to slay Goliath. What I'm trying to say is that we all have a Goliath (temptation, sin, darkness) in our lives but Heavenly Father has provided stones (strengths) for us to overcome them. We have been prepared to overcome the things of the world.

I know what I believe in, I know who I am, I know who He is. I need to remember what I do know. What I know, makes up for what I don't know. I need to trust in Heavenly Father. I have that power and strength like David did when he slayed Goliath. Of course I'm imperfect but Elder Holland reminded us that that's all Heavenly Father works with. And it's true! We have to take it to Him. Remember? He listens. He's waiting for us to take it to Him.

Doctrine and Covenants 6:34 "...for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail."

Assurance

Things can be better tomorrow than they are today.

How beautiful is that promise? Like everyone else I have been thinking about change. Not only change within myself but how much can change over a span of 3 years or even 18 months. How something could happen today that could change the rest of my life. I returned home from a mission approximately two months ago and though I miss having that purpose I have faith in the future and what it has to bring me. When I was nearing the end of my mission I was talking to a few of Sisters that grew to be great friends. One of them said that when missionaries get home the only reason it's hard is because they make it hard. I agree. I think we sometimes use it as an excuse. We need to continue to do what we have taught the last 18 to 24 months.

One Sunday night while visiting an elderly couple in the ward I was currently serving in I had the exact thought I mentioned early. Something could happen in ten minutes that could change my life. I had no idea why I thought that. I later came to find out. I went on with introducing my companion to this couple and left the spiritual thought. We got into the car and we noticed there were quite a few missed calls from President Samuelian, our Zone Leaders, and the Assistants to the President. One of our Zone Leaders called back and I had asked him what was going on. I had many thoughts going through my head as to what was happening. He asked if everything back home was okay. Right then I thought about my mom. I had a calm assurance that whatever happened-- even if it wasn't okay-- was okay. I then called President Samuelian back. He asked if my companion and I could come into the mission home that night because there was something he needed to talk to me about. Of course I was still panicking at this moment but I agreed.

We show up in Newberg at the mission home and after President finished up a few things he asked if I could come into their bedroom to have a kneeling prayer. At this point, I knew my mission was coming to an end. We had a kneeling prayer and afterwards President and Sister Samuelian sat next to me. President had told me that my stake president from back home had called. My mom. Right then I knew. He went on telling me that my mom had passed away. I wanted to ask, why me? I again felt peace. I flew home the next day to be released as a missionary and to be home with my sisters.

I think of her everyday. I realized I miss her in the small moments; when I want one of her recipes, to let her know I made it to Provo safely, to call when I'm sick so I can hear her voice, to just see how she is doing. I sometimes wish it would have never happened. Then I think of what a loving Heavenly Father we have who has presented a plan to us. He has promised me that I will see her again. My mother knew the battles she would face in this life. She knew I was going to serve a mission. She knew at the end of 18 months, she would be gone. I was weak. I still am. My mission gave me strength-- the strength I needed to handle this. The day she passed away, she was going to send me a key-chain sized telescope. In the box she had wrote a note saying, "I'll be watching out for you." I know she is here with me in those small moments. I love my mom. I never spoke highly of her-- and yes, I regret it. I wish the world could see how wonderful of a lady she was. I hate to admit that even though I was tempted, I would never trade my mom for anyone. She really was a wonderful women who, from the beginning, knew what was going to happen.

Heavenly Father has a grand plan. What a privilege it was for me to see a glimpse of it. I can't ask, why me?  Because I know why. Death seems so final here in this mortal life but it's only the beginning. We hear over and over again how it's never meant to be easy. I read a blog the other day about a women who lost her father and kept hearing the phrase. She diligently sought the scriptures but could never find it. However, she found that we need to give our pain over to our Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm a firm believer that we grow from pain. We learn and progress. We cannot, however, do it alone. "And he will take upon him death... he will take upon him their infirmities... that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities." Christ wants us to give over our pain to Him. Why? So He can understand us. So He can help us. I have had to practice a lot of Faith in this throughout my life. I learned on my mission that if I'm afraid, He can't help me. We know that where there is faith, there cannot be fear. He wants to help us but when we are fearful, we bind Him from helping us.

Some days are a lot harder than others. I understand now. I get it. I'm a 23 year old who lost her mother. She wont be at my wedding. My future children wont know who their Grandma Laurie is. She wont see me graduate with my degree. That's all very unfortunate. But my mom wouldn't want me dwelling on those facts. All I can do is remember her for what she taught me and what a beautiful women she was. She is now in a place where she's healthy, happy, and progressing.

Things can be better tomorrow than they are today.

See you in 1.5

As long as I can remember, I've always hated the term "goodbye." It's just too sad. It has always been see you later. Over the weekend, I had to say just that to my sisters Lydia and Candace. Lydia and her kids were at the St. George Rec. Center so I had to hurry and say my "goodbye's" to the kids before they wanted to jump right back into the pool. Daniel and Sophia, I think, are too young to know what's really going on. However, Sadie and Alexis knew and they kept giving me hugs. Lydia told me not to cry because she would start crying. Well needless to say, we both started crying. I'll see them in a short 18 months. Lydia reassured me and told me, "you're going to change lives, Mary. They're going to say, 'remember that girl who knocked on our door?'" I love her. She always knows how to make me feel better. Then my sister Candace reassured me that she is always there for me-- that she will do anything if I need her and all I have to do is ask. We were outside saying bye and I swear I was getting dehydrated by the second (remember? I was in St George). I love my two older sisters. I'm glad I have their support.

Yesterday I had to say bye to some good friends along with Jessica and my twin sister Jennifer. I'm going to miss Jessica so much. She came over and I couldn't stop hugging her-- I'm glad she's going to write me. I don't want to miss a minute of her life. I hope all the best for her and I can't wait to come back and talk about all that has changed. Then there's Jennifer. She's my other half (it's a twin thing). It's the hardest thing to do! Kaylie Johnson, give me pointers (write them to me because I won't see the comment on this till I'm back ha.)? I love Jennifer and I have become closer with her since she's had her sweet little boy, Jude. I'm going to miss her tremendously. 

Last night was a fun night! The Myers' invited me and some of our friends to go shooting with them along with hot dogs and s'mores. Mmm. They were delicious. Then afterwards, we watched my last movie! Fun with Dick and Jane. I always forget how hilarious that movie is.

Well, I'll see you all later. My great friend Mackenzie is going to be in charge of my blog! She'll be posting my weekly e-mails on here.

Thank you, all, for your support. I appreciate it. Without you guys, I wouldn't be where I'm at right now.

Three hours until I'm set apart as a missionary! How exciting.

See you in 1.5 years.

Addresses!

You bet your bottom dollar you're going to write your favorite Sister Missionary! 


Here are the addresses for my mission. 
For the MTC, my address is:
Sister Mary Catherine White
MTC Mailbox # 300
OR-EUGE 0626
2005 N 900 E
Provo, UT 84604-1793

For the mission home, my address is:
Sister Mary Catherine White
Oregon Eugene Mission
55 W 29th Ave Ste A
Eugene, OR 97405
United States

Unfortunately, I wont be able to e-mail friends. So, family, if you want my e-mail, let me know and I'll get it to you! 


I still can't believe I"m going on a mission. It's buckle time and I have so much packing to do! Ah! 


I'll write a couple more posts before I leave I'm sure. 


Thank you all for your support. 


With all the love in the world, 
Sister White (WEIRD)

Almost here!

Not going to lie, I am getting nervous for the time I leave for my mission. However, I just keep thinking about everyone I'm going to meet. My friend Aubrie said that my companion will instantly be my best friend and they are in the same boat as I am. Which really did help calm my nerves.

I had a bucket list of things I wanted to do before I left but I didn't get much of it done. Oops. However, I've done other things so I'm fine with that.

Can you believe I'm going? Who would have known five years ago I would be where I'm at now? Definitely not me.

This blog post was mostly to inform you that I'm still going-- not backing out now! I am nervous but so excited I can barley handle it. On Sunday, May 20th I had my farewell. I had people come from Salt Lake and had support from all those who joined. I always brag about the support group that I have and how great they are.

Aubrie, myself, and Kenz! Our outfits really went
well together.

Annie Draper! I love her. She gave me my first
Book of Mormon.

My roommates - Sam + Kelsey

Thank you for coming, Caleb! You're the best.

Myself, Alyssa, Derek, Josh, and Sam! Thank you guys for
coming down!

My former Bishop and his wife, Lisa Garner.
Love these two!

Ended the Sunday with friends watching the eclipse! 

I'm sure I'll post a few more times before I leave.

Hope you're having a wonderful summer!

23 short days left

I have 23 days left until I report to the MTC. I can't believe this is happening. Bah! I can't wait. I'm super nervous and have so many emotions going on I can't even start explaining how I really feel.

It's starting to hit that I'll be leaving my family and best friends behind. However, without them, I wouldn't be able to do this. My family and friends are who help me through everything. I don't do anything without asking them for help (even if I don't listen to them and do what I want). So, thank you, guys! My missionaries; Josh and Bram. How lucky am I to have missionaries that still talk to me as much as they can? Extremely lucky. They are two of my best friends and they will be for the rest of my life.

For my farewell, I have Aubrie and Mackenzie singing a musical number-- today they were practicing and I got  butterflies. I actually get to go spread the Gospel to everyone (even if they don't accept it). That's what I get to do everyday, all day. I get to put my worries, stresses, and worldly responsibilities on hold for 1.5 years and help those who are ready to receive the Gospel. I know that this is going to be one of the hardest things that I have done, but I  have the knowledge of our Heavenly Father and His love. I know that I can turn to Him and He will bless me. This will also be the best time of my life because of that knowledge.

Before I leave, I've been trying to spend time with my friends before I spend time with the family. Mackenzie's birthday was on Friday, so Aubrie and I went up North to visit for the weekend.

I'll let the pictures explain:

This was on Wednesday but I had to include it.

Kenz ran her first 5k!

Aubrie and I right after Kenz started running.

Mark Nickles from KUTV2 News. Breast Cancer survivor.
Yay!

Kenz's sis-in-law, Kenz, myself, and Aubrie
We got those scarves and had fun wearing them in bows.

After City Creek Mall we went to the Temple of course

So beautiful 

 Friday night I only got one hour of sleep! We woke up at 6:30 a.m and left around 7:15 a.m for the 5k. After the race, went back so Kenz could get ready and Aubrie could get her wallet. We went right back to the City Creek Mall. It was amazing. I wasn't feeling all that well and was super tired so I had to pass on H&M. The Forever 21 was gigantic. I found colored jeans and wanted them so bad but they were eighty buckaroos-- thanks but no.

After the mall and the planetarium, we met up with my friend Jared that I met during fall semester and went back to his house to roast marshmallows. It was a great thing to the end the long fun-filled day.

We drove home and I started falling asleep right when I got into bed.

Woke up, went to sacrament, ate lunch, came back to Cedar City.

Next weekend: farewell. I hope to see you guys there!

Preparation

I still cannot believe this school year is already coming to an end. I feel like it was just yesterday I was moving back to Cedar. Now it's almost May and some of us are graduating, getting married, or serving missions. Isn't it crazy where life takes us? Who would have thought I would be where I'm at today?

Now that I only have 2 finals this week, I have time to start really preparing for my mission. Does anyone have any good suggestions on what to do? What to read? I have been reading talks by the apostles and prophets, my scriptures, and Preach My Gospel. Any suggestions other than reading would be greatly appreciated, too.

I have 36 days left until I report the the MTC. I keep hearing that going on a mission is the best thing; there isn't a worry in the world about yourself. I get to concentrate on His children and bring them back to Him. I seriously cannot wait.

Modeling my clothes for Jessica and I put the "future missionary"
tag that I have. Holla.

If you guys haven't yet known, my farewell is on May 20th at 1:00. If you want to come, join my page on Facebook and I will make sure there is plenty of food for you.

Well, all, good luck on finals. Also good luck with all that you're doing.

Much love.

Some favorites

This weather has been beautiful. When I have nothing to do in the winter, all I want to do is sleep. Now that the weather is gorgeous, I don't want to be inside. A few days ago, I went on a walk around campus and took some fun pictures.

Some are from Spring Break, too. Enjoy!

This is right when we got to California 

The things they catch lobsters with

This is why I love Spring so much

I love the Temple.

The beautiful St George Temple

Well there you have it. I love flowers and Temples if you can't tell.

Good luck with the last week of classes.

Lovely

Have you heard the song Lovely by Sara Haze? I'm sure you have. I'm just clearly out of the loop.

It's one of those songs that make me feel better about myself when I feel not so beautiful, not worth it, lonely, useless... yeah you get the point. Music really helps me get through whatever feeling I'm encountering so of course this song speaks louder than it might to you. I have heard it a handful of times before but I really listened to it today while I was on Pandora. Well...now it's on repeat.

Let's clear this up. I'm going on a mission in 46 days and I couldn't be any more excited. However, when people tell me not to feel discouraged if something doesn't work out because I'm going on a mission, that's not going to help the way I'm feeling. I understand that I need to focus on preparing to serve and trust me, I am trying the hardest I can but it doesn't freeze those emotions I get. I'm still "crushing," I still get stressed out when I think of my future, and still have financial burdens. The list goes on.

Because I keep hearing this typical response, I just end up keeping things to myself. Well, that's not how I deal with stress. I need to talk about it with people. Well my friend Jessica and I hung out tonight and I got to vent to her about a lot of things and told her that I can't freeze my emotions. She was totally understandable. She gave me advice but mostly listened. I was so grateful.

In my last post about pride, I talked about how I looked at everyone and the things they have and I sometimes am jealous of what they have. Well, I need to stop that. I need to stop listening to those people around me who make me feel like I'm nothing (sad to say I have people like that in my life).

I know this song is most likely directed to an ex boyfriend or whatever but it can be to whoever, really.

And what gives you the right
To tell me who I should be
Who gave you that right

...

I know you want the best
Yeah only good things for me
But you have to realize
I can't be all these things you project on me
Cause I'm beautiful to me
Doesn't that mean a thing
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/sara_haze/lovely.html ]
I feel lovely

Does this post even make sense? If it doesn't, just listen to the song. I love it. 

Spiritual thought (pride)

Today I decided that it would probably be a good idea to start studying more to prepare for my mission. To do that I read Beware of Pride by Ezra Taft Benson, read my scriptures (Alma), and Chapter 2 of Preach My Gospel.

If you haven't read Beware of Pride, I would commend you to do so. It is beautiful. As I was reading it I couldn't stop highlighting. If I could, I would have colored that entire page yellow (I guess I could have... it was that good.).I learned so much within that thirty minutes. It has been an answer to my prayers.

I hope as I'm sharing with you my insights on what I have learned tonight, I don't sound hypocritical. If I do, that's not what I'm trying to do. 

We are all guilty of being prideful. There are those people who say that they are right, that they are better than certain people-- "it's their fault that they are who they are," you usually hear them say. They try and get God to accommodate to what they are thinking. Well, friends, we can't do that. Pride turns into being proud. "The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren't interested in changing their opinions to agree with God's." That is so sad. But also so true.

I am sad to say that I have done this. Like I said though, it has been an answer to my prayers. A couple years ago I remember buying a Starbucks coffee for a drive to St George. I remember thinking, I don't get why coffee is so bad-- why the Church looks down on it. I only drink it every so often. That, right there, is where I made a  mistake. God gave us the Word of Wisdom for a reason. I shouldn't have to justify it. I have said that about a few things and this talk has really helped me receive an answer. Humbled!

Then there are those people who try and one up one another. "Would we not do well to have the pleasing of God as our motive rather than to try to elevate ourselves above our brother and outdo another?"

Lately, I have had a hard time to forgive those who put me down in my past. In high school there were people who would treat me differently. My family didn't have tons of money, nice things, and I didn't play sports. Even today I see those who used to treat me differently and just get upset. Elder Benson talks about those who gossip, who back stab, envy, and covet-- that's pride from the bottom looking up.

I gossip. I look around at those things others have and wish I had that. I am going to try hard to not do that anymore. It's going to be tough but I'm challenging myself with this. I can do it.

Then there's the worldly attractions and those material things you "have" to have to be accepted. "The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost."

We all probably know someone who is a materialistic type of person-- has to have all the new stuff to feel accepted by the world and those of it. If someone isn't up on the latest fashion trends or have the newest smart phones, they are looked down on. "Pride is ugly. It says, 'If you succeed, I am a failure.'" I will admit that I have wanted the newest things. I will be the first to admit. I wish I didn't though. I need to learn to appreciate what I do have.

"The antidote for pride is humility-- meekness, submissiveness. It is the broken heart and contrite spirit."

After reading this talk and feeling bad for all that I have done, I hope I can change my views on things. I don't want to be a prideful, proud person.

"We can choose to humble ourselves by loving God, submitting our will to His, and putting Him first in our lives." I'm going to strive to live by the quote everyday.

Again, go read this talk if you have time.

52 days. 7 1/2 weeks.

I can't wait to be out in the field. 

General Conference

Did everyone love General Conference? I sure did. This time, I was able to stay awake through all of the sessions. Taking notes really does help me stay focused on the talks. However, I always love going back and reading them in the Ensign-- I always learn so much more.

Well I'm going to share some insights that I learned. I think it's neat to see General Conference in a different perspective (being endowed and preparing to go on a mission). I learned so much this Conference. I'm so happy!

I have learned this morning that I need to forgive. I always say to myself that I have forgiven a certain person but I feel like it's just words. No meaning behind it. I want to change that. I have people that left me feeling betrayed and hurt. I'm trying to forgive so I go on my mission with the pure love of Christ with no contention in my heart.

"No sacrifice is too great in order to receive the blessings of the Temple." - Dallan H Oaks
This is so true. I have learned to love and appreciate the Temple so much more. It's there for us to go leave the worldly attractions behind and build our relationship with Heavenly Father. Just go. You will get those blessings.

"Don't be overcome by evil, overcome the evil." - Dieter F. Uchtodorf 
Satan is so aware of us. It is so easy to just slip onto his side of the path and stay there. However, it's worth it to stand up and stay upon Heavenly Father's path.

"The prize belongs to him who endures to the end." - Thomas S. Monson
I love the Prophet. I really like how he said this. Living with our loved ones and being with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, will indeed be the ultimate prize.

"He will do for us the things we cannot do for ourselves." - Neil L. Andersen 
This is just purely amazing. I loved this entire talk. It was a great way to end conference.

Those were a few of my favorite quotes from this Conference. I feel like I have learned so much this time. I have opened my heart and mind to what I learned today and am challenging myself to live the words I heard.

What are you guys' favorite highlights from General Conference? Please share!

Follow the Prophet, he knows the way!

One of the best

I oughta post about this before I forget. Oh who am I kidding? Who could ever forget a day like last Saturday?  I went through the Temple and received my Endowments! It was a beautiful day.

Before I went through I kept having hot flashes, I was about to have a heart attack, and kept freaking out. I did all of that for nothing. People kept telling me that I would feel uncomfortable, that it is strange. Uh you are all wrong. It was perfect. I felt so much peace in there. Right when I walked back, the instant love of God was near. He gave me this opportunity. That's love.

After I talked to the Matron, I went and waited for the session to start. Can I just say that I probably have the best support system! So many people came. It was a reminder that where I am in life is right where I need to be. When I saw all my friends in the Celestial Room, I got so excited. Knowing that if I keep upon His path, I will lead others and myself back to Him. The Temple is so peaceful and so gorgeous.

I cannot wait to go back.

One of the best days of my life.

If you have questions, go here. Pray and ponder about it. You will get your answers.

Now here are some pictures:

Emily and Annie were there for me throughout High School.
Emily was a good friend that I could always go to for advice. Annie
was actually a teacher (my adviser) and gave me my first Book of Mormon.

Ron Lowe. He was the one who baptized me. He has seen me very nervous
yet he just helps me through everything and makes it easy and fun.

Marilee Lowe. I love her soo much. She was there for me when
I went through some hard trials in life. 

Alyssa, Ron, and Lori. Lori and I go far back. I've known her since the fifth grade.
I'm so please with my decision of having her be my escort. She is so wise
and always knows what to say. I am so grateful for her in my life.  

 Well there you go. I'm now endowed and I'm loving it. It was a perfect day and I cannot wait to go back. I want everyone to enjoy this experience and can't wait to share the Gospel to those who are ready for this wonderful gift.

On Sunday I went to St George and had a BBQ with my family. I haven't seen my nieces and nephew since Thanksgiving. I was in Heaven with all of them. I love them so much.

She has gotten so big since Thanksgiving. I love Sophia!

Hope everyone has a superb day!

The Adversary

First off, the title to this post is a little depressing, I know. However, I have learned so much in the last week it blows my mind. 

I have had some family issues that have been a constant reminder to never take anything for granted. Throughout my life, I have never really had a relationship with my mom. The last few weeks, I have been missing her so much. I just want to hug her, tell her how much I love her. I have done things in my past that probably hurt my mom more than anything. I'm not saying I regret what I did, but I want to apologize to her. 

This week I have cried every night. I'm not exaggerating one bit either. Every night. Family issues, friends, money, self issues where I feel as if I'm not good enough. Then on Wednesday, I realized that it's because I'm going through the Temple this Saturday and Satan is trying everything in his power to make me back out. I have been told bizarre things about the Temple that freak me out and it makes me think, am I ready for this?

Wednesday night, I went and got a Coke with my escort. She asked me, "Do you think a mission is the right thing?" Of course it is! That was my answer. I am good enough, and no matter how much Satan is there to put people in my life to drag me in the dirt, I will stand strong. I'm a daughter of a King. Our Savior died for us. He felt this exact pain and these feelings as I am right now so we can experience joy and happiness while returning to our Father. 

Then today... it was a beautiful day. I went all day without breaking down. Until about an hour ago. Had another crying episode. I realized that I love people too much. Is that possible? I don't think so. I don't won't give up on these people in my life. It breaks my heart to see them sad, lonely, etc,. So I'm giving myself a challenge-- I'm going to fast for those people. Starting this Saturday when I go through the Temple. It isn't anything extreme. My heart is just breaking for them. Like I said, I care too much. Satan knows how much I care for people-- therefore, he uses the people I love the most to try and have me back out of things I know are right.

Through all of this I have learned that Satan is just as aware of me as our Heavenly Father. That sounds weird, doesn't it? Well, as weird as it may sound, it's true. I'm grateful for the knowledge of knowing he is doing this to me. It helps me realize that nothing will stop me from going through the Temple. He puts these ideas in my mind that the Temple is crazy and why would I ever do that? Well, he lost. I cannot wait to get out there on my mission and share the Gospel with those I run into. I can't wait to meet those people and grow friendships through the love of God. 

Remember; God thinks you're wonderful.

With much love.

I love this arrangement. 

Newest addition

It's been a little over a month since my nephew has been born but I'm finally getting around to blogging about this little cutie. He seriously is so perfect. It is so hard for me to share him when I go visit-- even with Jennifer. I can't even explain how much I love him. Here are some very cute pictures of the handsome boy. A few of many.

Look at the smile! How can you not love him?

Tummy Time! He is very strong.

Every time I see him, he's getting bigger and bigger. Yes, those are
socks on his little hands. 

I can't get over how perfect he is. I went to a baby shower with Jennifer today and she brought him along. I wanted to hog him the entire time.

Oh and his name is Judah! He was born on January 30th. Again, he's perfect.

I have a list of things to blog about so I'm going to try and keep up on this more than I have been.