Let's start by saying what wonderful women I have in my life. I have countless of mother figures who I'm so grateful for and I have many friends who stand by me and tell me what I need to hear. I have beautiful sisters who have encouraged me to do better in life and have protected me. Tonight I was able to talk to a few close friends and they gave me advice that I've been needing to hear longer than I thought. Sometimes you feel like climbing into that hole and crying but it's so much better when you have someone in there with you.
This last week has been interesting to say the least. I have felt many emotions that I haven't had to deal with for the last couple years. Okay that's exaggerating. Maybe feeling them all at once is what I'm not used to. There were moments when I felt like something great was going to happen, I felt that one of my desires of heart was going to come true, but then it just walked away and opportunities faded. There were moments where I was proud of myself. Moments where I couldn't stop laughing. Times where all I wanted was to call my mom and have her tell me, "Baby, everything's going to be okay." My mom understood heartache the most. I know how terrible that sounds but it's true. I have come to learn more about my mom and I'm so grateful for that. She would always tell me to not settle for anything less than what I deserve. After serving a mission, truly finding my identity, knowing who I am, I now know what I deserve. I know that I have to work for what I deserve. There's a difference between knowing and believing though. And I need to believe it.
I don't want pity by any means but I can say that at points in my life, I am tempted to ask why me? I have been given a fair share of trials. Each time I'm thrown another one the response I hear is how strong I am. Each time I hear that it makes me feel weak. I sometimes wonder what Heavenly Father is doing when I'm crying over missing my mom or when I'm frustrated with someone for putting me through something or even as simple as academic frustrations. Oh get over it. You signed up for this. Or, Eh, everything's going to be fine. Just get up and dust yourself off. What? Of course He isn't doing that. Like I mentioned last time, He had to hide Himself in some part of His universe so He didn't have to watch the dying struggles of His Son. I am a child of God. He doesn't want to watch me go through any of this. However, He knows that what I'm going through is going to make me such a better person. A friend I met this semester who I have come to love dearly reminded me of His way and His timetable. We see timing differently than He does; we see timing in a linear perspective as Heavenly Father sees it as a panorama perspective. What we see (or what we don't see) is daunting. What He sees is inspiriting. I can't look back. In every aspect I have to learn from stupid mistakes that I unfortunately make (even when I do feel like a fool). Then when I have the chance to have the panorama perspective, I will see that it all had to to happen. Someone had to take this spot. Whether I "signed" up for it or not, I'm grateful for what I learn in each trial. And ultimately, I do access that strength and gain experience. Which is all this life is about after all.
My heart has ached over many things this week which I choose not to go into detail about. What I have come to find out though, is that my Father in Heaven's heart is aching with mine. He rejoices when I'm happy. How many times have I taught that in Oregon and it's now just really making sense to me? I not only have to have faith in Heavenly Father and that timetable of His but I have to have faith in what He has promised me.