I have had some family issues that have been a constant reminder to never take anything for granted. Throughout my life, I have never really had a relationship with my mom. The last few weeks, I have been missing her so much. I just want to hug her, tell her how much I love her. I have done things in my past that probably hurt my mom more than anything. I'm not saying I regret what I did, but I want to apologize to her.
This week I have cried every night. I'm not exaggerating one bit either. Every night. Family issues, friends, money, self issues where I feel as if I'm not good enough. Then on Wednesday, I realized that it's because I'm going through the Temple this Saturday and Satan is trying everything in his power to make me back out. I have been told bizarre things about the Temple that freak me out and it makes me think, am I ready for this?
Wednesday night, I went and got a Coke with my escort. She asked me, "Do you think a mission is the right thing?" Of course it is! That was my answer. I am good enough, and no matter how much Satan is there to put people in my life to drag me in the dirt, I will stand strong. I'm a daughter of a King. Our Savior died for us. He felt this exact pain and these feelings as I am right now so we can experience joy and happiness while returning to our Father.
Then today... it was a beautiful day. I went all day without breaking down. Until about an hour ago. Had another crying episode. I realized that I love people too much. Is that possible? I don't think so. I
don't won't give up on these people in my life. It breaks my heart to see them sad, lonely, etc,. So I'm giving myself a challenge-- I'm going to fast for those people. Starting this Saturday when I go through the Temple. It isn't anything extreme. My heart is just breaking for them. Like I said, I care too much. Satan knows how much I care for people-- therefore, he uses the people I love the most to try and have me back out of things I know are right.
Through all of this I have learned that Satan is just as aware of me as our Heavenly Father. That sounds weird, doesn't it? Well, as weird as it may sound, it's true. I'm grateful for the knowledge of knowing he is doing this to me. It helps me realize that nothing will stop me from going through the Temple. He puts these ideas in my mind that the Temple is crazy and why would I ever do that? Well, he lost. I cannot wait to get out there on my mission and share the Gospel with those I run into. I can't wait to meet those people and grow friendships through the love of God.
Remember; God thinks you're wonderful.
With much love.
I love this arrangement.